Almighty God, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, Maker of all things, Judge of all people, we admit and confess our sinfulness. We have turned away from each other in our thinking, speaking and doing. We have done the evil You forbid and have not done the good you demand. We do repent and are truly sorry for these sins. Have mercy upon us, kind Father, because of the obedience of Jesus Christ, Your Son. Forgive us all that is past, and with the power of the Holy Spirit move us to serve You faithfully.
Tonight's confession really seemed to hit home with me...not sure why tonight's was more powerful than any other days but maybe because of the gravity of what Christ did on the cross and the realization that He would have done it all JUST FOR ME.
That's right, Christ would have gone through all the pain and the seperation from His Father JUST FOR ME! And JUST FOR YOU! This is one thing I always tried to impress on the youth that I worked with in St. Louis. That he did it all just for you, if you were the only person ever created He still would have endured everything He did on Good Friday because that's how much He loves you! Wow! Incredible.
I know that I will never truly be able to wrap my brain around His neverending love and all that it entails but it makes me feel joyful and loved. And well, I guess it should. He loves me THAT much, even when I get frustrated with my one year old for whining for what seems to be all day. He loves me THAT much, even when I lose my cool with a certain little blonde girl. He loves me THAT much, even when I don't treat my husband as I should. He loves me THAT much, and I just want to show my gratitude and thanksgiving for what He has done. I pray that His love would overflow and be made known through my actions and life.
I know that sometimes when you read my blog you may not even know that I am a firm believer in Christ. If you go back through my archives you may notice certain times in my life when I was more open with sharing my struggles and faithwalk. I would like to get back to that here and now.
It seems that once I gave birth to those two beautiful blessings that things changed. My perspective on life became different. My dreams and goals were pushed a little further to the background while I started taking the time to care for these amazing children. I am by no means upset that my dreams are so slowly being realized that somedays it feels as if they are no longer there. In fact the dreams that I had 3 years ago are not even the same dreams that I have now. I am not complaining about my offspring I am simply stating that my journey on this road has taken a different turn. I always knew that I wanted to have children I just never imagined that it would change me or impact me as profoundly as it has.
I don't take the time to sit down and read books or write like I used to. When I was in highschool I used to fill notebooks with poems (in fact I still have most of them). I wanted to be a writer for a long time. I wanted to write songs for my favorite singers to sing to the world. I wanted to be a public speaker. I wanted to be a missionary. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a photographer for National Geographic. I wanted to travel the globe. I still want some of those things but some are just not as important anymore.
When one becomes a mother a lot of things change. In fact, I was just having this discussion with Erin and Kari the other week. I've always been known as someone other then myself, in gradeschool I was "Mr. and Mrs. P's daughter" (because they both taught at my school). Then in highschool I was "Eric's little sister", in college I was "Prof. P's daughter" (my dad moved on to college before I got there) then at the Seminary I was "Greg's wife" and now I am "Naomi and Micah's mom". But what about me? When do I get to just be me? Who is "me" anyway? Somedays I'm not really sure.
I don't mind being known as these things in fact it is quite an honor. I am so proud of my parents and love them so much for raising me in the faith and for loving me even when I am difficult to love (I understand that parenting love now). I love my sister dearly and cannot imagine not having her around to laugh with and complain with from time to time. I love my brother so much and I always wanted to be like him, always looking for his approval, I wanted to do what he was doing because he's always been the "cool older brother" (although I know that drove him crazy in highschool). I love my husband and he truly is the other half of me. I am so proud of the man of Christ that he is and that he is so firmly rooted in truth. I love my kids like crazy and I am so excited to watch them grow and learn and explore this wonderful world that God has created. It is an honor to be known as a daughter, sister, wife and mother. But I guess I really just want to be known as a child of God.
I want to know who I am as a Child of God. I want to know what it looks like to truly turn to Christ for everything. To look for guidance with the small issues and the big ones alike. To truly become His disciple and follow in His ways. What does that look like? I'm slowly learning, and growing and let me put the emphasis on SLOWLY. It takes me a while to change. But hey I am Lutheran afterall what do you expect! ha! I've always struggled with this lifesatyle change that I SO want to happen but I cannot seem to get it going...consistently. Reading Scripture, praying, eating healthier, exercizing, spending time encouraging others, so many things that are on my "list" of things to get together and just change. But again, I'm a slow learner. I have to realize that it's not going to happen overnight. But I am praying that God would continue to work on me and help me to be His disciple and truly seek Him. I am thankful that God is patient, and slow to anger and quick to love...because if I was God I would have dropped me by now. That's why God is God and I am not.
Wow! I'm not sure where that all just came from but obviously something has been stiring. The reason that I'm writing this on my blog and not just in another journal is because I want this change in me to be something more than just a little blip on the radar of my life. I want this to be the time in my life when I start to focus my priorities in the right place. When I dream some dreams and don't let people steal them away. When I put Christ first and let everything else fall in line. Don't expect the change to happen overnight. Don't expect anything consistent. Just expect me to be me...whoever that might be.