Saturday, July 23, 2005

keep singing...

I can't shake this feeling...I'm not exactly sure what the feeling is...insecurity, fear of the unknown, saying goodbye, leaving what is familiar, loneliness, fear of change, and some other emotions that I cannot put words to...all wrapped into one. It's eating away at me. I've found this one song that is helping me through this a little bit. I'm just listening to it on repeat and crying my eyes out. I just want to climb in God's lap and cry till the tears cease to come. I don't wanna leave...but I've gotta keep singing. It's so hard though.

I'm usually the first one to say that I don't mind change. I guess I don't mind change when I know a little bit about what the future holds. But being far away from my friends and my kids is not settling very well with me right now. Usually I can handle moving but this one is going to be really hard for me. I had to say goodbye to Tami today and that was not easy. She'll be only 6 hours away but that's not a half hour. I know that I'll still talk to her but it's just gonna be different. My friend Steve once told me that I put too much stock into my friends. Maybe that's true but is that a bad thing? It is, when I have to move away from my friends. I am still leaving my best friends in WI behind, but now I also have to leave my good friends in St. Louis behind because some of them are moving away and some are coming back to St. Louis but I am moving away. I'm not sure I'm ready to make new friends. I know that will change when I get to Seymour, but right now I'm certainly not ready. I don't wanna move. I don't want change to happen. I don't wanna leave. But I have to. I'm sorry that my posts seem to repeat's just the way I am feeling and I don't know how long it will last. I just keep dreading July 31st...the last day I will be officially employed at Peace. I don't want to say goodbye to them...even if it is just for a year.

I knew this day was coming but I didn't think it would be this hard. I love these people so much and I want to be part of their lives, I don't want to leave. Please Lord, help me through this. Help me to keep singing.

Keep Singing by: MercyMe

Another rainy day, Can’t recall having sunshine on my face
And all I feel is pain, and all I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can’t move when I don’t know what I should do
When I wonder if I’ll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing, I gotta keep praising your name
You’re the one that’s keeping my heart beating

I gotta keep singing, I gotta keep praising your name
That’s the only way that I find healing

Can I climb up in your lap, I don’t wanna leave
Jesus sing over me, I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in your lap,I don’t wanna leave
Jesus sing over me, You’re everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

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